Finding Peace

Most of my life the phrase "You're too nice." has been told to me a lot. I am a giver by nature. I guess it was a trait I learned early on in life. I had the choice to either A. be like my biological mother and suck the life out of everyone and everything around me or B. I could choose to give back to the world what little that I can.

I'm merging into a new part of my life. Maybe I'm maturing emotionally. Maybe I'm starting to heal. Or maybe I'm just god damn tired. Either way, I'm noticing lately just how much of myself I'm giving away and starting to realize how little I've left for myself. But I've come to the conclusion, that's just how I am for the time being. Though I'm tired. Though I burn out. It feels right for me.

But don't get me wrong, there are times I want to be so ridiculously selfish. I had an instance yesterday where I could have chosen to be a huge dickhead and "stand my ground" or I could compromise. I could give a little and take a little and keep peace. So I chose compromise. I feel like in this instance some people might call me a pushover. And they might be right. But sometimes, you just have to "suffer" for a little while to have the beautiful outcome you are looking for.

All I want in the long run is peace. Peace in my life emotionally, physically, mentally. Just peace. The first 11 years of my life was filled with so much turmoil. So much drama. I absolutely refuse to have it in my life any more. Which is why I don't want those people in my life anymore. Not that they understand that. So the question is, how does one find peace? Is peace different for everyone or is a common feeling? Do you know when you've achieved it? And how do you keep a hold of it?

For me, at this time in my life, my peace comes in brief moments. Little wisps of moments. I haven't quite gotten there but I have wonderful, cherishable moments. Like laying in bed, wrapped in Matt's arms. Or when America drops his head to my chest and lets me kiss his muzzle. When i'm reading in bed and Little Bitty lays on my chest and ducks his head down for me to kiss his forehead. When Binxy curls up in the crook of my arm and lays head head on my chest. When i'm standing out at the farm and all the horses come up the me, and that smell of horse surrounds me and I get lots of muzzles asking for treats.

For me, my peace comes in the form of animals for the most part. I've always known that animals would be a crucial part of my life. And it's for this fact alone, the fact that they are the essential key to my peace in my life, that I feel like I owe them. I owe them to help every one that I can. I owe them to speak up when I see one being mistreated. I owe them to help heal when they are sick or injured. I owe them to help them move on when it's their time. I owe them to help give them a second chance when no one else could. And this is exactly what I will do.

So I'm guessing, figuring out what makes you find that inner calm is the key. Finding it and holding on to it with dear life. Find that thing that makes you beam. Find that thing that gives you a sense of calm. Find that thing that makes you sing inside your head (or outside). Find that thing that makes you smile from your heart straight out of your eyeballs. Just find it. Find it and hold on to it.